"Midnight in the Garden of Unwarranted Praise"
12. Transformers. A bunch of big robots beating the crap out of each other at 100 miles per hour. Sound exciting, right? Maybe, if that had been in more of this summer's most overrated blockbuster. Unfortunately, Michael Bay's bloated film spends way too much time gradually introducing the robots one at a time, and giving us character development (in a Michael Bay film? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
Then when the crazy cool robots finally arrive they have to be part of the most obvious product placement in any film from last year (every single one lands by a GM dealership and disguises itself as a GM car). But before we can get to the really amazing robot-on-robot fight scenes (and they were spectacular) we have to go through more phony character development, the most drawn out (and improbable) scene of the year (complete with a masturbation joke! Funny! Oh wait..not really), and an unbelievably over the top John Turturro (not to mention that Jon Voight plays the president who happens to be really good with a shotgun......yeah.....sure...).11. Max Von Sydow in "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly".
There's really nothing wrong with giving awards recognition to short performances, but the praise being attributed to this legendary actor is absolutely preposterous. He sits for two scenes, and cries in one. Is any of it remotely moving? Hardly (though part of this plays into another member of this list).10. Michelle Pfeiffer's "comeback". I have nothing against Michelle Pfeiffer. I like her a lot as an actress. What I don't like is the way critics fawned over her returned to the screen as though they were the greatest performances since Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice. Just because an actress is "having a blast with the role" doesn't mean they're doing a great job. While Pfeiffer was good in Hairspray as racist bitch Velma VonTussle, by the end of the movie, all she was doing was look on with various looks of shock as black dancers invaded her all white dancing program.
Then comes the other crime of the critics: lavishing praise on her other villainous turn in Stardust. Yeah, I could see it too: she was having fun, but it wasn't all that special. She snarled, she sneered, she cast hexes on people, she looked gorgeous, and then Robert DeNiro easily stole the show in his 10 minutes of screen time. Oh, and then there's the third part of Pfeiffer's "comeback": a little romantic comedy titled "I Could Never be Your Woman" co starring Paul Rudd and Atonement wunderkind Saoirse Ronan. Don't remember hearing about it? There's a reason; it went straight to DVD. Some comeback...9. Stardust. Going back to out last delinquent, was everything with Michelle Pfeiffer in it just automatically earning mostly favorable reviews?
I know "The Golden Compass" wasn't the perfect fantasy film by a mile, but how did it only earn 42% good reviews while Stardust's clunky storytelling, Princess Bride wannabee storyline, plain acting, and third rate special effects earn 75% positive reviews? Again, Golden Compass wasn't perfect but it's visuals were first rate, it's artistic aspects were stunning, and the acting was first rate from everyone, even from the talking polar bear. Stardust just had DeNiro playing a tranny pirate captain and Claire Danes looking more like a horse than ever before. What is going on!?8. Team Judd Apatow. AKA the actors and directors and producers associated with "The 40 Year Old Virgin", "Knocked Up", "Superbad", "Walk Hard", and the upcoming "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". If there's one thing I hate, it's when critics read more into films than they should, and they seem to be doing it with just about everything Apatow directs or produces. These aren't "raunchy comedies with hearts of gold"....they're just raunchy comedies that barely tiptoe into slightly more grown up themes...but they hardly take great leaps. Let's face it, Knocked Up and Superbad were funny; gross and profane, but funny.
However, they were also way too long, with unnecessary drama, poor editing, and at times sloppily written (instead of just moving on to the next scene, they often forced as many swear words as possible into a scene just to get to the next joke. Lame). As much as I like John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer, I can't help but say that I was a little relived that Team Apatow took a hit when "Walk Hard" tanked in December. The trailer for "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" also seems pretty lame, so let's hope the flash in the pan that is Apatow is already on its way out the door.7. Atonement's Green Dress: I will be furious is Atonement wins best costume design at tomorrow's Oscars. "But they were so AMAZING!" you shout back in defiance. No actually...just one of them was, and it's causing unnecessary hoopla. I am of course referring to the (stunning) green dress that Keira Knightley wears in the first third of the movie. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this became the next "Kate Winslet Titanic dress" where all the teenage girls think "If I wear a dress like this to the prom, I'm sure I'll be the ONLY one wearing it!"
I'm sorry, but one dress is not enough for an Oscar. There are tons of worthier nominees/choices: La Vie En Rose (which after re-watching, does in fact have very good costumes), Sweeney Todd (please let this win!!!), Elizabeth: The Golden Age, not to mention those featured in Pirates of the Caribbean 3, and The Golden Compass. It's just one dress, Academy. One gorgeous dress, but still, one dress.6. Motion Capture Animation (Beowulf).
As I said in my Beowulf review back in November, this technology, though impressive, has not come far enough for audiences to establish true connections with the vaguely wax-like characters on screen. If I wanted to see that, I'd go play a video game and watch all the cut-scenes with the snazzy graphics (many of which look better than Beowulf). Please Robert Zemeckis, hold off on your motion capture for just a little longer, let the technology get better (give it to the Japanese for a few years and I'm sure they'll do WONDERS with it), and then try again. As for now, motion capture is nothing more than a failed experiment that people insist on using over and over again for no real reason other than to look "innovative".5. The Dunkirk Tracking Shot - Atonement. Part of the reason I loved Joe Wright's 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice were the multiple dream like tracking shots. So why do I look upon his "epic" tracking shot along the French beach in Atonement with disdain? Simple: because it has no purpose other than to show off. In P&P, Mr. Wright's tracking shots served a purpose. The opening one followed Lizzy as she went through her house and gave us glimpses of her parents and siblings; another one at a dance was used to set up a joke at Mr. Darcy's expense, and so on.
In Atonement's not-so-swoon-worthy shot, Robbie Turner (James McAvoy, who also received unnecessary praise for doing nothing too special) walks from point A, up to point B only to turn around and walk all the way back to point A before moving on to point C. So in truth, the "epic shot" only moves the character about 50 feet from the starting point. Had Robbie kept going past point B towards something further away (I would have loved to have seen him walking by the run down ferris wheel in the background), then I might feel differently, but Wright's lone tracking shot broke the flow of Atonement's already lesser second half, as Wright simple tried to show off. On a smaller note, I also can't stand to hear Atonement described as a "Sweeping Romance", as though it's some sort of epic. Y'know, because England and Northern France are just sooooooooo far away.......4. Julie Christie - Away From Her. Apparently it doesn't matter how good your performance was, just as long as you manage to do a good (though not great) job and happen to be old and British. There's nothing bad about Julie Christie's performance, but there's nothing truly monumental (ie: award worthy) either.
She already has an Oscar, so why is the Academy (and just about everyone else) so insistent on giving her an undeserved award? All I can say is that I hope "Away From Her" stays Away from Oscars.3. George Clooney in Michael Clayton. Come on George, isn't it enough to have one undeserved Oscar? And why must you always play the "whistleblower" who sees something going wrong and tries to do something about it. Funny. That sounds an awful lot like..um....you.
Perhaps your biggest failure, George (can I call you George?) was how you so desperately tried to be subtle by communicating emotions through low key facial movements. The problem is that your face isn't nearly as expressive as you think it is. You may have gotten a great deal of the acting praise for attempting (and failing) to be somewhat different, but there's a reason Tom Wilkinson and Tilda Swinton acted circles around you in Michael Clayton.2. Angelina Jolie - A Mighty Heart.
Speaking of overrated performances, this one has to take the cake. While she was fine for most of the movie (perhaps even good), near the end, everything spiraled out of control with a breakdown scene that was almost funny. Here's a tip for all aspiring actors: when your character has a breakdown scene where they wail and cry, try not to make said wailing and crying sound like a hyena having an orgasm (don't ask). It doesn't help much when your crying sound exactly like the grunts of pain while giving birth at the end of the movie either. It's amazing that she's been nominated for so many awards while other worthy performances (Helena Bonham Carter, Nicole Kidman, Keri Russell, Amy Adams, etc...) were overlooked. Also, WHERE WERE ALL THE FAIR SKINNED BLACK ACTRESSES WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING THIS ROLE!?and the "winner" is, without question...
*drumroll*
1. Ronald Harwood's screenplay for The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. What wasn't to like about The Diving Bell and the Butterfly? The directing and cinematography were unique and stunning, the acting was perfectly fine, and the music choices were great. So where did this film go so wrong? The answer lies in one of the key elements of filmaking: the script.
"The Pianist" scribe Ronald Harwood's adaptation of Jean Dominique Bauby's memoir has to be the biggest (and most overrated) failure of last year. Why doesn't it work? Because it takes such a human story and examines it rather objectively, almost as if this is a documentary (though I've seen some pretty moving documentaries). Instead of giving us a chance to invest in Jean-Do, we're presented with strange flashbacks, and don't seen him have his stroke until near the END OF THE FILM. Whatever happened to the days when we told stories in a linear fashion? Was there something wrong with that? Christ. But anways, congratulations Mr. Harwood, you singlehandedly destroyed what could have been one of the most engrossing and moving films of the year. Instead, you turned it into the most overrated film of 2007. Now I just hope you don't go and screw up "Australia" since I hear you wrote the script for that as well.
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