"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" - REVIEW

The biggest surprise I got from "Transformers 2" was that I didn't HATE it. It left me puzzled, until a quick conversation with a friend made me realize why that was so. The film might be hollow crap, but it's well polished hollow crap. As much as Michael Bay is a hack of a director, it's hard to deny the impressive visual effects, and even some of the cinematography (there are some beautifully composed shots, in terms of lighting). Some of the fight scenes are fun to watch as well. HOWEVER....

The one word that comes to mind when I think of "Revenge of the Fallen" is: dumb. And I mean, D-U-M-B. With everything from the protagonist's mom high on pot brownies talking about how she heard her son lose his virginity, to obnoxious twin robots reduced to bad black/latino stereotypes, to not one, but TWO scenes of small dogs humping, to Megan Fox trying to "act", to the Smithsonian museum opening onto a DESERT, this is one lazy effort in the creative/writing department (and 2/3 of the writers also wrote "Star Trek"......). I'll spare you from too many plot details because they'll only leave you with a headache. Opening with a flashback, we find out that the autobots/decepticons have been on Earth MUCH longer than anyone ever knew. An older generation called The Primes landed on Earth thousands of years ago and even got into some nasty fights with ancient humans. This sounds fine, but once you learn enough later in the movie, you come to realize that it basically makes the hunt for the first film's Macguffin (the Allspark) seem trivial compared to what has (supposedly) been at stake the entire time. And this is just one of several plot holes big enough to drive an aircraft carrier through. There's also the question of how two VERY old transformers can teleport, but our "younger" robot heroes can't.

But hey, you argue, "Transformers" isn't meant to be a piece of art, it's an action flick! So why am I determined to judge it so harshly? Because I know that Hollywood is *gasp* capable of better. Let's compare Transformers with Pirates of the Caribbean. The first installments of both trilogies were big hits with fantastic special effects that kept audiences coming back for more. But there's one key difference: characters. Jack Sparrow alone elevated the weakest moments of the inferior "Pirates" sequels, because he was a charming, quirky, ORIGINAL character. Transformers has NEVER had that. The robots are barely given anything resembling personalities, which is more than I can say for the human characters. And even as Michael Bay strives to make his sequel bigger and better, there's never a chance to connect with these characters. So even though the massive fight at the end is cool to look at, it's hard to feel any genuine excitement, because most of the robots (good and bad) never have a chance to do anything to define themselves. Take for instance, a very cool looking autobot named Sideswipe. He gets some really bad-ass action moments in the opening chase in Shanghai, but basically NEVER SEEN AGAIN until the final fight. The same goes for the host of new decepticons, virtually all of whom make their first appearences at the FINAL BATTLE. Though there is a very cool tiger-like robot that gets a few neat scenes, it's meant to be more of a pet to the decepticons, and therefore never speaks. Again, this renders the action more "cool" than genuinely exciting. The only truly exciting moment isn't even a battle scene, but rather a scene where the decepticons try to perform some less than pleasant surgery on our protagonist. And even in the action Bay still can't figure things out. Though he has finally learned that it's best to show two giant robots fighting by pulling the camera BACK, there are times when the blocking is just stupid. Why on earth is part of the climactic duel shot so that great chunks of the action are blocked out by giant pillars? Don't hide the robots from us damnit! So, aside from flat out laziness and stupidity, is there ANYTHING else that could push this movie over the edge in ridiculouslness? As a matter of fact, there IS! In fact, there are two things, and I'll list them for you, but be warned...your head might just explode:

The Two Most Batsh*t Stupid Moments of Transformers 2:

1. John Turturro in a THONG (because really, is there anything more sexually stimulating than John Turturro's ass in a thong?)
2. A Decepticon with TESTICLES (aka: decepticles).

I'll leave you with that to think about...

Grade: C-