10,000 BC - REVIEW

If "In Bruges" was a surprisingly great way to kick off my 2008 movie going, then "10,000 BC" is exactly the opposite. I knew it wasn't going to be anything special, but dear lord this was just....unspeakably bad. Filled with annoyingly one-dimensional characters, a limp story, surprisingly "eh" special effects, and barely there performances (at least "Alexander" had big stars being as campy as possible) this one's a loser. The "story" (if it can be called that) starts with a tribe called the Agula (or something like that), who live up in the mountains (and don't seemed to be bothered by the high altitudes) with almost no heavy clothing whatsoever. In the film's prologue, a young woman with surprisingly blue eyes named Evolet (t[h]e love spelled backwards..*eyeroll*) is brought before the tribe's mystic, named Old Mother (possible the most bland divination name ever). Old Mother begins having odd visions of "four legged demons" (horses...hehe...), and the Agula's last hunt of the mamack (Mammoths). Along with the Evolet, we also meet young D'leh (pronounced like "delay") who is clearly smitten with Evolet. Later that night, D'leh's father abandons the tribe because he does not like the idea of waiting for the tribe to come to an end and blah blah blah. Flash forward 10 or 15 years, and D'leh is grown up, and a pretty decent looking guy (though I'm guessing he won't be making the ladies swoon the way Gerard Butler made them in "300") with an unfortunate head of dread locks. Actually, everyone has dread locks. Apparently they were all the rage for mountain dwellers living 12,000 years ago (I can't believe none of my textbooks ever told me this.). To try and cut to the chase, there's a hunt going on, and whoever takes down the alpha male of the mammoths gets the white spear (which...is...important..somehow.....??). D'leh is determined to win Evolet (we know he loves her when he confesses this to her via a cringe inducing pick up line that involves stars or lights or some BS like that) by becoming the new wielder of the white spear (apparently men still thought of women as objects way back when..though don't worry feminists, Evolet does love him back). After D'leh (somewhat accidentally) kills the alpha male by himself, he wins the white spear and Evolet, but eventually gives it back after feeling guilty or something like that. Could it get worse for our yet to be hero? No duh. Soon after the prophesied last hunt, masked warriors on horses (sorry, "four legged demons") come and enslave Evolet (and the rest of the tribe save for a few but come on, it's not like any of the other villagers really matter....or have names...). With his father's best friend and another tribesman, D'leh sets out to follow the slave traders. They're soon joined by young Baka, who is one of many characters who I was constantly hoping would meet a hideous demise (damn you Hollywood for not killing off annoying protagonists!!). They keep traveling over the mountains for "days and days" (as we're told by the awe struck narrator)....except that all their traveling takes place in one overhead shot of a mountain. The mountain then leads them to a jungle...a jungle that sits RIGHT AT THE BASE of a SNOWY MOUNTAIN. Upon entering, Baka delivers this precious gem of dialogue, "it is hot in here!" More silliness ensues, with two of the slave traders looking like they belong in the Persian army from 300, and large demented ostrich like birds whose special effects are so uneven that they come off as just plain awkward to look at. From here we go to a desert, which lies just out side of the lush green jungle......WHAT THE @%$&!? At some point D'leh falls into a pit with the much advertised sabre tooted tiger. For some bizarre reason, D'leh decides to help free the beast while delivering this next howler, "If I free you, promise you will not eat me!" Things roll along, other tribes join D'leh's cause, more ridiculous lines and strange prophesies and and and...stuff occurs, and it all leads up to the one halfway decent (though most historically innacurate) segment of the film. What begins with a surprisingly cool shot of slave ships flying striking magenta sails leads to the only impressive scene/s in the movie: the temples of the gods. Though there's no way we had buildings this HUGE on earth 12000 years ago, the special effects team did do their job here, creating pyramids in the midst of construction that are made even more awe inspiring by the detail paid to the construction process of the pyramids. Even so, these impressive buildings aren't enough to cover up for what is probably one of the worst (and most forced) endings I've ever seen. It's so bad, I'm not even sure I can type it out, because I wouldn't do it "justice". It's so bad, you'll just have to see it for yourself. It's literally jaw dropping in its awfulness.

Grade: D

Nominations: despite some cool costumes on the high priests in the final segment...I'll just say NONE.